havers (havers) wrote,

Alexandria - Thursday March, 11th

Word Count: 3108
A/N1: Thanks so much Hannah for 'fighting' with me to get a smooth and believable result of that chapter.
A/N2: I love Alex's blonde hair, but as I wrote the chapter the Celebrity Ghost Stories were up. Kathryn's hair looked a little darker and I really liked it. Therefore I changed her hair color here in Alexandria.
A/N3: The lyrics for the two love letters were borrowed by different Joshua Radin songs.

15th wedding anniversary – Thursday March, 11th

Good morning starshine
The earth says hello
You twinkle above us
We twinkle below

Hair woke me at six in the morning. I reached for the little black clock radio and turned up the sound. I sprawled shoulders and legs wide and lifted my head. My eyes felt on the picture in the black frame. "Happy anniversary, Joe," I whispered between Gliddy gloop gloopy and Nibby nobby nooby. I rotated my pelvis.

Good mornin' starshine
There's love in your skies
reflecting the sunlight
in my lovers eyes
All three anniversary mornings I celebrated together with Joe had been naughty and tender. The other eleven mornings got better and better every year. This year wasn't an exception.

I got up and stepped naked toward the photo. I tamed my hair with a clip. Reaching for the frame, my fingertips gently stroked the face of my husband. "15 years….unbelievable," I sighed deeply, and opened the mirrored door of my wall closet. I picked my sports bra, a simple shirt and my black sweat suit.

In four minutes I was ready for my morning run.

6:55 a.m. – out of the shower

I entered the kitchen still rubbing my wet hair. The brewed coffee smelled throughout the whole room. I needed that first cup of elixir in the morning as kick-start for my brain, or I wasn't a human all day long. I opened the fridge to get milk and wanted to slam the door with my butt as my gaze felt on the desert picture. I had made a copy last week and had pinned it on the door. I wanted to have Bobby around me and even if it was just with a picture on my fridge.

Sighing I poured milk into my coffee and took a first gulp.

"Good morning, Goren," I cheered to him like so many times during our partnership.

7:10 a.m. – ready to work

I wrapped in my winter coat, got my should-bag and headed to the garage and Bobby's Mustang. On my way I put the grey bobble hat on my darkening hair because the old-timer needed a little bit to warm up and the white convertible top was poor insulation from the cold. I liked the transformation back into my natural hair color. All my NYPD time I'd dyed it honey blond, but the darker coloring looked amazing and fit wonderfully to the ATF. Of course my hairdresser Marcel helped me with the change and set beautiful highlights. This way the whole process went really smoothly and without ugly hair lines.

I started the car and rolled down the driveway, needing 40 minutes to reach Melville. I was looking for a new radio station and changed the program from R&B. Maybe I would find more 70's music.

8:30 p.m. – supper with Brian

I agreed to a home cooked dinner with Brian in spite of my important day, but silence cast a shadow over the whole meal. When Brian said something, only irrelevant stuff left his mouth. God, this man was boring. Had I ever laughed with him, or was that just a dream? Why had I never noticed before that he just talked about his job and golfing? Did he notice that I had just greeted him as I entered his Upper West Side apartment and didn't say anything more in the last hour? When had it started that he took me for granted? Did he believe I would endure that for the rest of my life?

My mood was down, deep, below a measurable level. I didn't know why because the whole day was okay. To look at pictures of Joe and me didn't hurt anymore. My team and I closed an illegal Whisky distillery we had been investigating for three weeks and I wanted to visit Bobby's apartment again. I hadn't been there for ten days.

I swallowed the last spoon of chocolate ice cream and wanted to leave. "Stay." Brian wrapped one of my strands around his fingers before he reached for the plates and cups to bring them to the sink. "When will you change your hair back to blonde?" He opened the freezer.

Why? I was irritated and became a little annoyed.

"Hey Baby, why not enjoy a second dish of ice cream in bed with you as dish?" Brian leaned down to me and whispered in my ear. I hunched my shoulders because of the body contact. Just thinking of closer contact with Brian wanted me to puke.

"No, I can't. Tomorrow will be an exhausting day and I need my sleep." I stood up and brought the flatware to the sink.

"Let's make a baby, Baby…"

Brian didn't listen to my words, again and a baby? I screamed inwardly. Never! His sweaty hands rested on both of my arms.

"Not today, not on this special day," I protested, and turned around.

"Why?" he replied ignorantly, and I just rolled my eyes.

"C'mon Alex, you haven't spend the night here in weeks." He became angrier. I just sighed. But as he wanted to stroke my cheeks, I winced and ducked away from his hands. This reaction caused Brian's face to turn to furious white.

"We haven't slept together since last year and now even a touch is too much for you? How would that work when we move in together and become a family?

"Become a family?" I fought for air. "We won't move in together and we'll never become a family," I said with low but strong voice in the big living room, but was very frightened for the first moment. I couldn't face Brian and needed to support myself on the table. This was the first time I spoke it out loud and it felt good, great. It was right. Brian wasn't my future. It finally became clear.

"What? What's going on?" he screamed. "Who are you?

"And who are you?" I turned back to him. "You're the one who's using me to warm your bed, right?" I fumed, and my voice trembled.

"That would be nice, but you've given me the cold shoulder for three months." That was the last straw. I saw red.

"Sex is not our main problem, Brian. There is so much more to talk about." Nevertheless, I returned to this topic, wanted to hurt. "But maybe I would share your bed and spoil you, if I get something back once in a while." Now I really was all up for a fight.

With saucer-eyes Brian yelled and his voice went up an octave, "You came…often."

I snorted and gave him my coldest smile. "Maybe at the beginning of our relationship, but then," rolling my eyes. "like everything else, you didn't listen anymore. You didn't listen to me and my desires. I'll go now. I have plans tonight."

"Plans? Now what kind of plans would that be?"

I didn't answer and felt for the car keys in my jeans pockets.

"It's that damned apartment and his damned Mustang," Brian's voice reached a normal sound level again, but was still as sharp as a scalpel.

"I promised." I replied defiantly, and Brian became silent. His eyes snapped open.

"You fucked him, didn't you?"

His words cut off my breath. I refused to answer this stupid question.

"I knew it," Brian triumphed, and he got so close that his salvia hit me. I felt very uncomfortable. "Now I get it. The whole time we are together this bastard fucked you behind my back and you enjoyed fooling me."

"You don't know what you're talking about." He couldn't really believe this.

"Why else would you turn me down?"

„If you think I really slept with my partner of eight years, then we are in deeper troubles than we think. Goren has always been a friend and he always will be friend."

"But see Alex, he left you and won't come back."

"But he promised." I hated to admit that I needed to hear these words out loud to convince myself they were true.

"Promised? Bullshit. Things won't change. He's an unreliable, unstable whack-job. He won't keep his promises."

I couldn't believe my ears. I had told Brian about my worries concerning my partner's well-being. Abusing my trust like this made me realize that I was much better off with Bobby who wasn't here, than I would ever be with Brian.

"Oh, you'll see how quickly things change right this minute." I turned on my heels and rushed into the hall. I got my coat and the shoulder bag. "I'm leaving now. We're finished." The door clunked shut and I was outside.

9:15 p.m. – on the road to Bobby's apartment.

I stopped the Mustang on Temple Emanu-El, at 5th Avenue because of my uncontrolled sobbing. Two and a half years. Had I trashed this two and a half year relationship in less than thirty minutes? Hot tears rolled down my cheeks. Everything was so confusing. My mind whirled. Did I really intend to say all of that? Brian and I had had wonderful moments at the beginning of our relationship. Later he had been my rock when Bobby had broken into thousand pieces and didn't have the power to be that rock any longer. He had supported me as I had thought that I would lose my partner. Brian had encouraged me as the friendship to Bobby had put to the test. But while Bobby had worked unbelievably hard to come back to normal, to re-assemble his complicated life together, Brian had degraded and become a burden.

The fun and the lightness while we were together had been replaced by stiff situations and stress. I knew how to work on a serious relationship, but when just one of the team was working to fix something then the contract was doomed to failure. Since December I had been struck that only I had tried to smooth and ease and there had been no response of him.

But what if Brian was right? My heart became heavy and pounded painfully against the seatbelt. Will Bobby come back? How would it work between us? Did he love me? Did I love him? I was so damned tired. There was just this one truth. I took a deep breath. I knew it for sure. It was over. I didn't love Brian anymore.

9:45 p.m. – Greenpoint

I gulped as I found the blue airmail letter in Bobby's post box. How did he know that I needed a sign from him tonight? My heart nearly burst in excitement, but I restrained myself. First I had to water the ficus. The polypetalous rubber tree looked greener and healthier every time I visited it.

Something was different about this letter. There was a sticker which labeled the letter as Express Mail. Anyhow a knowing smile curled my lips. This time I recognize the Arabian capitals on the Djibouti stamp. I opened the envelop with a sharp knife in the kitchen. My eyes felt once again on the stamp and the postmark: 09/03/10. Now I understood. This was really express.

With the open letter I went over in the living room. I wanted to feel comfortable while reading Bobby's words. I snuggled down on his dark brown leather couch. I felt the soft material and smelled the familiar scent. Carefully I unfolded the white paper.
My lovely Alex,
my best friend                                                                                                                                                                                                              March, 08th

How long have you been dealing with my craziness? I'm so thankful that you gave us and our partnership a second chance and then a third and a fourth…

Over the years we grew to be friends. You're the first and only woman I call a close friend. It's strange but also great. I know your family; you know mine and all the collateral problems. There is so much mutual respect. You put me in my place, we're honest.


…my feelings for you are set on fire.

Remember the night you and I were in the car?
A dangerous moment brought us closer
Your hand in mine
Your lips at mine
How come we never talked after?
When all the stars were aligned
I thought we had a moment

Moon pours through the ceiling tonight
Embraces me tight
I'm in the middle of the sea
The gulf is calm and the soft waves lulled me

The stars show me we're right for each other
And as I lie here and let the world fade away
The sunrise tries to end it while I try to stay

You, Alex, will guide me into the morning light
Passing the last step I need to survive
Lay here beside me – you have to know
I see the rest of my life with you

Alone we are fine; but when we're two, we are eternal
All I want is everything
Alex you know it's true
All I want is everything
But all I need is you.

All my life I've lived alone without you
All this time I couldn't find a way to belong
You were the last thing I saw coming
I'm still surprised

I wish you would lay here by my side
And I could tell you everything
While looking into your eyes

It's all about the first night and last
Well I love you so much more tonight
So much more than yesterday
in eternal love, Bobby

My mouth was dry and I blinked many times. But, but…my mind swirled. A deep breath. My eyes ran again over Bobby's lines. 'You were the last thing I saw coming – I'm still surprised' I bit my lips. 'You, Alex, will guide me into the morning light – Passing the last step I need to survive' I sighed. 'Well I love you so much more tonight – So much more than yesterday' First tears ran down my cheeks.


…I had to touch the characters to realize. I pressed the letter against my chest, my body swayed, looking through a veil of tears around Bobby's living room. There were his overflowing book shelves and his chaotic desk, but my gaze was caught by the fireplace and the numerous photos around. I clumsily got up on my feet and walked over. There was Bobby's Academy portrait, the old yellowed picture in the golden frame of him and Frank as children, a beautiful snapshot of his mom at the beach and one picture showed Bobby together with me.

During the arrest of Jack Riley back in 2005. Before we had entered the big knot of people, Bobby had taken me aside. We had turned our backs to the crowed and quickly discussed our next procedure. A friendly paparazzi, a guy Bobby already had known from College must have spotted us in the moment in front of the SUV and had taken a picture. One week later a big envelope had been delivered to OnePP and we got a copy of this private and calm moment.

But one picture was missing which had stood on the left corner since 2003. I'd given Bobby a photo showing me, as I left the Major Case for maternity break. He'd forced me to leave him a picture of me. I had followed his arguments not forgetting me and passing the time more smoothly and had given in. Bobby had never given it back. Had he taken me with him on his mission? Why had I never noticed the missing photo before?

I stared into the pictures, seeing Bobby and my own reflection. One day you looked at a person and suddenly you could see something more that you had the night before. And the person who had been just a friend was suddenly the only person you could imagine yourself with. I missed him incredibly.

I undressed were I stood. With only the love letter and Bobby's binder I walked over in the bedroom. I pulled away the big quilt which covered Bobby's bedding from dust and slipped between the smooth cold sheets. Turning on my side, I opened the binder and started to write an answer.

Behind me the air's getting thin but I'm trying
I'm breathing in
Come find me

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it
That's part of it all
Part of the beauty of falling in love with you

Is the fear you won't fall

And I hate the phone
But I wish you'd call
Thought being alone

It hasn't felt like this before
It hasn't felt like home before you

And I know it's easy to say but it's harder to feel this way
And I miss you more than I should
Than I thought I could

Bobby, I can't get my mind off you
Before I put away binder and pencil and falling asleep there was that confidence that in the end everything would come together. The moon shone through the white drape and lulled me into dreams. I was in Bobby's bed, in his home and I knew I was right.

First he is poking with tweezers in the glass wound of a victim. She turns disgustedly away, checking dead body number two.

He gets behind her. Sits on the table and passes his shoes. It's crowded and loud, but he took the time to check the eye balls of the dead man - dehydrated. He understands what she is talking about. 'I'm listening. He left Ireland two weeks ago.'

The room is empty. They are alone. He takes the position of the body, leans far back in the chair – in deep concentration. It's a miracle that he doesn't keel over.

She gets on the table – exactly like him. Places her feet left and right on the arm rests. He got up. She is naked with spread wide legs. Just a grin and a little move – coming together.

Oh my…

…my eyes snapped open and I needed two heart beats to realize where I was. I lay in the middle of the most comfortable bed in which I had ever slept. There was so much space around me. I could stretch my arms and legs in all directions and didn't touch the edges.

Puzzled I lifted my head. I hadn't noticed last night that Bobby had a California King bed. The dimensions of the mattress were phenomenal. 72" wide and 84" long, exactly the right size for a 6'4 man like Bobby and wonderful for… I giggled and re-lived again the weird, but in the end interesting steamy dream of last night.

But I had to get up. I needed to go home and change my clothes before I could drive to work.
Tags: alexandria, fanfiction, season: nine
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